Football Head
by Zarius
Summary: Helga's love for Arnold can fill her with either pleasure or fear...and in this nightmare, her biggest fear is realised, find out what it is in this EMINEM song parody


"Football Head" Written by Zarius  
  
Sing to the lyrics of "Superman" by Eminem  
  
Disclaimer: Hey Arnold and all characters are the property of Nickelodeon and Craig Barret; Original "Superman" lyrics are trademarked by Marshall Mathers, on no account will any profit be made from this venture.  
  
Helga lies in her bed, scared.  
  
Scared to breath.  
  
Scared to close her eyelids.  
  
Scared he'll come again.  
  
And no, not a demon, a monster under the bed, an older sister coming to taunt her with her far better, more up and up lifestyle, in dreams of one seeking to escape her.  
  
Her true love. A football head she torments by day, and worships by the glittering night  
  
Arnold.  
  
She dreads and welcomes him.  
  
Uncertain to approach him, unsure how to say anything but insults to him.  
  
And in her dreams, Helga's uncertainty gave her many nightmares.  
  
Helga is lost in a void, all of a sudden she sees Arnolds' form in shadow, he comes up to her, and they start kissing passionately, she sighs in relief, familiar music starts as we prepare to enter an:  
  
EMINEM SONG PARODY  
  
Helga: Hmmm.  
  
Arnold: You high baby?  
  
Helga Yeah  
  
Arnold: Yeah?  
  
Helga: Talk to me  
  
Arnold: You want me to tell you something?  
  
Helga: Uh-Huh  
  
Arnold: I know what you want here  
  
I know you want me Helga, I think I want you too  
  
Helga: I think I love you Arnold  
  
Arnold: I think I love you too  
  
Arnold: I'm here to save you girl  
  
Come here in Arnold's world  
  
I wanna grow together  
  
Let's let our love unfurl  
  
You know you want me baby  
  
You know I want you too  
  
You call me "Football Head"  
  
You think I'll rescue you  
  
I want to save you girl  
  
Come here in Arnold's world  
  
Helga: Oh boy you drive me crazy  
  
Arnold: Bitch you make me hurl  
  
They call me Football Head  
  
Your first insult when we first met  
  
Don't wish you were dead  
  
Got no worries about your threats  
  
I've never let another chick near me yet  
  
In a relationship  
  
Save it Bitch  
  
Lament on it?  
  
You make me sick  
  
Football head ain't savin' shit.  
  
Helga, you can plead on Arnold's dick  
  
Straight from the hip  
  
Cut to the chase  
  
I tell you off like a bully to my face  
  
Play no games  
  
Say no names  
  
Ever since I stopped gawkin' at what's-her-face  
  
I'm a different man  
  
Kiss my ass  
  
Kiss my lips  
  
Bitch my ass  
  
Kiss my dick?  
  
Rip my cash?  
  
I'd rather prefer you kick my ass  
  
Don't put out  
  
I'll put you out  
  
Won't get out  
  
I'll push you out  
  
Puss blew out  
  
Pop 'n' shit  
  
With a piss on fire to put you out  
  
Am I too nice?  
  
To give you advice?  
  
Girl, my words alone couldn't save your life  
  
What, you tryin' to be my new wife?  
  
What are you, Lila? Fly through twice  
  
But I do know one thing though  
  
Repercussions come real slow  
  
Saturday through Sunday Monday  
  
Monday through Sunday yo  
  
We might join in matrimony  
  
One day we'll someday grow  
  
'Till then sit down and think about your fucking actions hoe.  
  
(Main Chorus)  
  
Because I can't be your football head  
  
Can't be your football head  
  
Can't be your football head  
  
Can't be your football head  
  
I can't be your football head  
  
Can't be your football head  
  
Can't be your Football Head  
  
Your Football Head  
  
Your Football Head  
  
(2nd lyrics)  
  
Don't get me wrong  
  
(I like none of these hoes)  
  
No secret, everybody knows  
  
Yeah you're fucked  
  
Yeah so what?  
  
That's about as far as you'll ever go  
  
You'll still have friends  
  
They'll call you again  
  
But they won't be chased 'round the bars they attend  
  
Never know who they'll be picking' up next  
  
Well see what thrash they'll be flashing' off next  
  
You don't want that, neither do I  
  
I don't want you to flip when you see me with guys  
  
Too much distrust, between you and I  
  
You're a jealous girl and you cheat 'n' lie  
  
But I guess that's just what sluts do  
  
How could it ever be just us two?  
  
I'd never love you enough to trust you  
  
We've just met, and I've just judged you  
  
But I do know one thing though  
  
Repercussions come real slow  
  
Saturday through Sunday Monday  
  
Monday through Sunday yo  
  
We might join in matrimony  
  
One day we'll someday grow  
  
'Till then sit down and think about your fucking actions hoe.  
  
(Main Chorus)  
  
Because I can't be your football head  
  
(Can't be your football head)  
  
Arnold: I think I love you too  
  
I'm here to save you girl  
  
(Can't be your football head)  
  
Come here in Arnold's world  
  
(Can't be your football head)  
  
I wanna grow together  
  
(I can't be your football head)  
  
Let's let our love unfurl  
  
(Can't be your football head)  
  
You know you want me baby  
  
(Can't be your Football Head)  
  
You know I want you too  
  
(Can't be your Football Head)  
  
You call me "Football Head"  
  
(Can't be your Football Head)  
  
You think I'll rescue you  
  
(Can't be your Football Head)  
  
I want to save you girl  
  
(Can't be your Football Head)  
  
Come here in Arnold's world  
  
(Can't be your Football Head)  
  
Helga: Oh boy you drive me crazy  
  
(Can't be your Football Head)  
  
(Can't be your Football Head)  
  
Arnold: Bitch you make me hurl  
  
(Can't be your Football Head  
  
Your Football Head)  
  
(3rd lyrics)  
  
First thing you say  
  
Helga: I'm not fazed  
  
I hang around you all day  
  
I don't see what the big deal is anyway  
  
You're simply plain old Arnold to me  
  
Arnold: Yeah Helga you play your game  
  
Helga: Arnold "?" I love that name  
  
Love that letter, what's it say?  
  
"Rot in pieces?" er, that's great  
  
Arnold: First off, you don't know Arnold  
  
At all so don't get formal.  
  
My heart ain't for your ammo  
  
You slap all those who come across you  
  
(Voice: woah, (crashes))  
  
There goes another victim  
  
Leave handprints all across him  
  
Jesus baby you're mean streak is gonna fuckin' cost you.  
  
You want what you can't have  
  
Well girl that's too damn bad.  
  
The clean ones all I'll have  
  
Don't dare touch my two hands  
  
Hide anthrax in your mom's pants  
  
And watch her beat you 'till you can't stand  
  
Girl you just blew your chance  
  
Don't mean to ruin your plans  
  
But I do mean one thing though  
  
Repercussions come real slow  
  
Monday through Sunday yo  
  
We might join in matrimony  
  
One day we'll someday grow  
  
'Till then, sit down and think about your actions hoe.  
  
(Main Chorus)  
  
Arnold: I know you want me Helga  
  
(Because I can't be your football head)  
  
I think I want you too  
  
(Can't be your football head)  
  
Helga: I think I love you Arnold  
  
(Can't be your football head)  
  
Arnold: I think I love you too  
  
(Can't be your football head)  
  
Helga: I think I love you Arnold  
  
(I can't be your football head)  
  
Arnold: I think I love you too  
  
I'm here to save you girl  
  
(Can't be your football head)  
  
Come here in Arnold's world  
  
(Can't be your football head)  
  
I wanna grow together  
  
(Can't be your football head)  
  
Let's let our love unfurl  
  
(Your Football Head)  
  
You know you want me baby  
  
(Your Football Head)  
  
You know I want you too  
  
(Because I can't be your Football Head)  
  
You call me "Football Head"  
  
(Can't be your Football Head)  
  
You think I'll rescue you  
  
(Can't be your Football Head)  
  
I want to save you girl  
  
(I can't be your Football Head)  
  
Come here in Arnold's world  
  
(Can't be your Football Head)  
  
Helga: Oh boy you drive me crazy  
  
(Can't be your Football Head)  
  
(Your Football Head)  
  
Arnold: Bitch you make me hurl (Your Football Head)  
  
Because I Can't be your Football Head Can't be your Football Head  
  
Can't be your Football Head  
  
Can't be your Football Head  
  
I can't be your Football Head  
  
Can't be your Football Head  
  
Can't be your Football Head  
  
Your Football Head  
  
Your Football Head  
  
I can't be your Football Head  
  
Can't be your Football Head  
  
Can't be your Football Head  
  
I can't be your Football Head  
  
Can't be your Football Head  
  
Can't be your Football Head  
  
Your Football Head  
  
Your Football Head  
  
(End Parody)  
  
Helga woke up screaming, trembling, she got out of her bed and went to the bathroom, still trembling.  
  
It didn't take long for Helga to start looking at herself in the mirror as she threw water on it.  
  
She might still be shaking, but her vision staring into her reflection was clear.  
  
She saw herself, and wondered  
  
"Will the way I act, be my undoing with Arnold, I don't want to stop, yet I want, to but I can't. Can I stop it? Or do I like it?"  
  
Helga kept asking this question in her head as she went to sleep again, not realising she has asked the same one since the day she fell in love with her precious.  
  
With her football head. 


End file.
